On this page we will tell some of the funniest tales about Airlines and their operations. You may want to share some of your favorites by sending to "Feedback." We hope you will enjoy.
**************************************************
The Big Canoe Race
Southwest Airlines and United Airlines decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, Southwest won by a mile.
Afterwards, the United team became very depressed and discouraged. United management decided that a reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Task Team" made up of senior management was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action.
They concluded that Southwest had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while United had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. So United management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to Southwest the next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized. There would be 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering operating manager. United also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 rower a greater incentive to work harder.
The "Rowing Team Quality First Program" had meetings, dinners and awarded a free pen for the rower. "We will give the rower empowerment and enrichments through this quality program," management said.
Next year.........Southwest won by two miles.
Humiliated, United management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then, they gave a "High Performance" award to the steering managers, a promotion to the assistant
superintendent, and distributed the money saved, as bonuses to the senior executives.
**************************************************
Subject: Air Line stuff
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the inflight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported .
**********************************
On a Continental flight with a very senior flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached our cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
***********************
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please be sure it's something we'd like to have."
**********************************
"There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
***************************************
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
***********************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, aflight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that sure as hell everything has shifted."
***********************************
>From a Southwest airline employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat-belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every seat belt: and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
***********************************
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with their's. If you are traveling with more than one
child, pick your favorite."
************************************
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
***********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and keep them with our
compliments."
************************************
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children.....or other adults acting like children."
************************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
************************************
And from the pilot during his welcome Message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."
************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the inter-com and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault,,,,,,it was the asphalt!"
***********************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
***********************************
Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated while Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
***********************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship on the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand by the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking his passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everybody had gotten off, except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, ma'am," said the pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
*************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy airport. After it reached it's assigned cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after
a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was
talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing, He should see the back of mine!"..................
*************************************
Page Update: March 30, 2002
**************************************************
The Big Canoe Race
Southwest Airlines and United Airlines decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, Southwest won by a mile.
Afterwards, the United team became very depressed and discouraged. United management decided that a reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Task Team" made up of senior management was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action.
They concluded that Southwest had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while United had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. So United management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to Southwest the next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized. There would be 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering operating manager. United also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 rower a greater incentive to work harder.
The "Rowing Team Quality First Program" had meetings, dinners and awarded a free pen for the rower. "We will give the rower empowerment and enrichments through this quality program," management said.
Next year.........Southwest won by two miles.
Humiliated, United management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then, they gave a "High Performance" award to the steering managers, a promotion to the assistant
superintendent, and distributed the money saved, as bonuses to the senior executives.
**************************************************
Subject: Air Line stuff
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the inflight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported .
**********************************
On a Continental flight with a very senior flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached our cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
***********************
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please be sure it's something we'd like to have."
**********************************
"There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
***************************************
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
***********************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, aflight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that sure as hell everything has shifted."
***********************************
>From a Southwest airline employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat-belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every seat belt: and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
***********************************
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with their's. If you are traveling with more than one
child, pick your favorite."
************************************
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
***********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and keep them with our
compliments."
************************************
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children.....or other adults acting like children."
************************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
************************************
And from the pilot during his welcome Message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."
************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the inter-com and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault,,,,,,it was the asphalt!"
***********************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
***********************************
Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated while Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
***********************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship on the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand by the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking his passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everybody had gotten off, except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, ma'am," said the pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
*************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy airport. After it reached it's assigned cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after
a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was
talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing, He should see the back of mine!"..................
*************************************
Page Update: March 30, 2002
FAQ | Airline Humor | Newsletter | Aviation Links | Membership | Airline Stories